On Thursday we went to the annoying lawyer's office and signed the papers to have the land and my house transferred into my name. Now you would think this would be a joyous occasion and cause for good cheer. It was after all what enticed me here. Instead it feels more like I have stepped back onto the treadmill after a most pleasant sabbatical.
The stupid banker after initially being quite positive about setting up a mortgage on the construction costs has dropped me like a hot potato and doesn't answer calls or emails. So I signed a promissory note at the annoying lawyer's office. Basically my house was sold to me. It was a condition for the transfer. I have started making mortgage payments to a different account at the same bank anyway. Fine then, I will pay this back without your stamps, signatures, seal of approval or added fees.
I have been tired. Bone tired. So tired there are days when I worry I might collapse at any moment into a wet puddle, weeping. There is undoubtedly a component of grief in this that I try not to recognize. My role and responsibilities here on the low spot of a North Carolina mountain top have changed. I am no longer just the assistant to the house and garden next door. I am the resident care taker.
There was a crying need for some horticultural therapy. Screw the finances, ( $44 total ) it was a good time to add to my evergreen screen.
Two Ilex x attenuata 'Fosteri' came home with me after stopping in at the nursery for a client. I am pushing the boundary of this holly's hardiness. They may not survive the winters here. I should have waited to find one of the more cold hardy Ilex x meserveae cultivars, but I couldn't wait. I wanted my hollies now.
Some tangible evidence was needed to make getting back on the treadmill seem worth it. The garden can do that for me.
The Heptacodium miconioides begins to bloom. The small white flowers will be followed "by an equally showy (if not showier) display: small, purplish-red fruits (1/2-inch-long drupes) crowned by five very showy, sepal-like rose calyces which elongate after bloom and last into late fall."
I can imagine these plants and the evergreen screen growing to become garden one day, a place to putter with year round interest when it is time to get back off the treadmill again.
Joe Pye blooms on a sunny slope in the utility easement where no trees can be grown. With time the Lush will get organized. The garden can make me forget about the treadmill.
I came home a little earlier than usual from work on Friday and added two hollies to my evergreen screen because it made me forget how tired I have been feeling.
This life and its new responsibilities are not something I can or want to avoid. I will get up each day and keep going, content with what is. Content with the pace at which a new life becomes organized.
And when I woke up this morning after a couple extra hours of sleep I moved the two hollies I had just planted. The baby evergreen screen seemed crowded. I plan for my hollies to live long and prosper. Best to get them in the right place now.
The hollies can also act as a gate to frame the path coming from the sunny utility garden below, an entrance to the shadier gardens above.
Today I slept late and moved sparingly. My body needed rest. My mind needed contemplation. Puttering around in the garden is a good way to get that done.
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7 comments:
Horticultural therapy has always worked for me, through years of infertility, work stress, my dad's death and now divorce. It's mighty strong therapy. Just give it some time and have some projects saved for wintertime.
thinking of you;
bev
That is quite a list you have there Bev. Horticultural therapy should certainly work for my little issues.
Chris, having lost a parent in the early spring, I found that sometimes as a part of that therapy you just need to shed some tears.
Sallysmom
My yellow mums have just given me the few blooms that they had to offer. There would have been more had I put it in the ground last Fall. I like the placement of your hollies. They will be fine.
Gardening has always been the best therapy for any problem or situation I had. But sometimes a good cry will help. A very good listener of trust & understanding would be helpful also.
Take care, my friend. The body will tell you when it needs something.
I am sure grief is contributing to your being bone tired. It takes time to work through the death of someone close, and often the grieving doesn't start til some time after the event.
Look after yourself, sleep, eat well and putter in your lovely gardens.
I am glad you can still get into your garden for therapy. When my Mother died I was paralyzed with grief. I didn't "do" anything in the garden other than walk around in it for about a year. Then I snapped out of it and "dug" in so to speak. We all deal with grief differently. Don't deny your grief. A natural process like the seasons in a garden. I am sure the bank is just being cautious right now with the econonmy being so crazy. Luckily you can make different arrangements. Your hollies look pretty. Hopefully they will be in a micro climate where they can thrive. Big hugs.
You are tired and haven't finished with the grieving process, it seems. I believe your foster hollies will do well, and they will get very large, so the research says. I planted a row of them as a property border and they are fast growing and will have to be pruned hard if they indeed grow to be 15 x 7. I am glad the garden gives you a respite from your burdens. You are strong.
xo
Frances
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