Tales From The Scenic Byway

It's up there at the top of my drive. I try to ignore it. I am planting things to screen more of it out. Most of the time it just passes on by. Quite often though, life on the scenic byway spills over the edges and gets me tangled up in some nonsense.

There are invisible cows, abandoned hounds and neighbors who like to talk story. That's the regular stuff.

Irregular things can happen too. There has been some irregular in the air of late. A couple of weeks ago someone went along the scenic byway for miles smashing mailboxes. That's not the first time this has happened. I think it might be a redneck rite of passage thing. I managed to salvage my mailbox. Why buy another when it will just get whacked again?

Last Sunday my wood burning neighbor drove over specifically to ask why the sheriff had been parked at the pull off just over the county line all day long taking pictures of all the cars driving by. Well I have no idea. What have you done now?

I didn't even know the sheriff was there. When I walk between gardens through the forest and sunny utility meadow I never see the pull off. If they ain't making any noise I never look to see if anyone is there.

I drove next door to supper tonight because I had a sack of lavender Beebalm to deliver.

Hi Uncle Ernie.

When I came around the curve there was a red SUV parked right by the driveway entrance. What the? Then they started waving for help. Oh Lord. They couldn't be avoided. I had to go in the driveway.

We have a flat. Do you have a jack and tire iron?

You don't have your own in your car?

We just bought the car.

Ok then. Yes you may use mine.

Their tire had been flattened by a caltrop, a four pointed metal spike that is made for puncturing tires. While he was getting organized to change the tire, the two women in the car walked back down the scenic byway into the Kingdom of Madison from where they came and found three more caltrops in the road.

I think I better call the sheriff. Have you ever tried to find the sheriff's office number in the phone book? You can't. I called 911. They sent me over to the Highway Patrol. I explained the situation and the first question after where are you was, are you feuding with the neighbors?

Um, no. My closest neighbor is an invisible cow.

I described the metal spikes and he's like, those are caltrops from the civil war.

That's nice. There is a car with a flat at the end of my drive and they found four of these metal spikes on your state highway.

I guess I better call the DOT and tell them to go sweep the road.

Maybe the sheriff's office knows something about these caltrops.

It's an ever changing spectacle along the scenic byway. I try not to linger up there and make no effort to acknowledge the passing traffic. Please. Just pass on by.